"The most loneliest day in my life..."

Today...
Such a lonely day.

The most loneliest day in my life...

Caught up between feelings of elation and utter defeat.
The face resting in my heart so perfectly reflected off shiny, metallic surfaces.
Lost to the world and it lost to me.
Empty fullness...

Today...
Such a lonely day.

A day spent in indecision.
A day spent in self-recrimination.
A day spent in expectation.
A day spent alone; hoping.

The most loneliest day of my life...

Smirking lips and oblivious hazel eyes,
On a day darkened by rain.
Eviscerated skies; teary-eyed.
Longing. Loving.

Today...
Such a lonely day.

A touch of hesitant hands,
A kiss brushed in the dark,
A look into those beloved hazel mirrors,
A promise kept to my most inner self.

Today...
Today was mine.
The most loneliest day in my life.

The most loneliest day of my life,

Tourment exquis...
Suprême agonie...
Le jour le plus solitaire de ma vie.

Rogue

(Original song from System Of a Down, no copyright infringement intended.)

Listen as it pours...

Sound of the rain falling...
Like a stroke of fingers on ivory keys;
Melodious tears.

The same yearning in my heart...
My heart going blind;
My whole body swathed in silky numbness.

Cut off from this world
Yet still here; wanting.
The sound of your voice long gone from my memories.

Listen...
Oh, listen as it pours.
The tears I've forgotten to cry.

A touch of your hand...
Although unworthy, I come.
Waiting to be touched by grace.

A warmth longed for;
Mourned like a loved one.
You, finally tangible and real.

Can you see?
I am here...Still here;
Desperately here, here until there's nothing to be here for.

Alternative reality

Slipping away, 

Yes it's slipping away, like sand through my fingers.

Yet another dream that will not come true.

I've come to think it was okay for this to happen.

I think I don't exactly care, not anymore.

I'm not sad, I'm not upset.

It just is.

It's alright really...

But what if in a heartbeat I could have it all realized?

Thoughts of you have died away a long time ago,

Consumed by a thousand other things; smothered.

Does it really matter?

Why have I lost the power to believe?

The world is divided in two categories.

Those who have a capacity for happiness, 

And those who don't.

I think I belong to the latter.

Just never happy with things, not for a long while.

Always afraid something might go wrong, 

Or just stuff start smothering me; 

Like I'm trapped, 

And the need to run burns so bright 

It's almost impossible to resist.

But I wish it could stop...

I wish I could stay, 

Just this once.

Get a taste of what it could be like

To belong to the other category.

Even for just a moment, 

Just a second...

Just who the hell am I kidding?

Moments

It's been so long...

I moved quite a bit in the past year. Different scenery, different people; different me I guess.

What I thought was insurmountable is now behind me. Months of pain, of doubt and despair have vanished like smoke. Was it real?

New challenges like roads open right in front of me. A future.

As new paths are laid before me, I think about what it was... I think of you, even though I know I shouldn't.

Where is the trace of you?

Sometimes, I think I'm better off without you.

Do you know how much you mean to me? Do you know how you make me feel inside?

Now, my peace is nearer than ever. I can look back and be proud, but I won't; no it's too early.

I'll decide, later maybe, if I keep you in my heart.

I know what you stand for...and I can't look at you.

I need you to anchor me to this life.

I need to feel human again; need to be forgiven.

I need you to teach how to be again,

Teach me how to live again.

To teach

I let myself look at you and all I want to do

Is open up again, to life, to light.

But I can't open myself up to you,

Because I know I'll end up hurting you...I'll lose you.

I want to disappear in you. Can't stand my own darkness

Anymore.

To know

I was blind before.

Tell me what is enough.

Touch me and I'll be clean

And pure once again

Tell me you will be willing to.

Bind me to your soul and I'll

No longer be lost to myself.

To love

Untouchable

"Untouchable"

I can’t let her out, can’t let her get hurt. But she’s the source of every inspiration, she’s the one to have the right words to describe what my broken thoughts can’t seem to render for lack of myself. I’m not myself…Yet who am I? Who am I?

I had this thought earlier while smoking yet again at an abandoned table in a fast-food. Can you find me? Can you reach me and tell me I’m still alright, still me? Nothing ever been quite that hard… I am exhausted, spent and hurt with no hope for healing. I don’t know if there’s enough of me left to have something to heal. I’m scared, hurt and alone, but at least I’ll be free.

Touch… Once again a mind without a body. Hazy border of my own soul, my body is just a phantom memory of what it should be. I can’t feel anything, nothing seems to be real if I can’t touch you or be touched by you.

In front of giant posters of Hugh Jackman at Ikebukuro station

Twirling, looking at you adoringly; I just wonder if all of this isn’t simply just a dream.

I look at your face on those pictures and I can’t help the adoration in which I consider your features. You’re beautiful, and I can’t help myself… I watch your smile. Will you smile for me? Please, smile for me. Make it all better with your sweet smile. I can’t help myself, I need that…

I look at some pictures of myself, pictures of a lifetime ago. I was so happy, so careless…truly alive it seems. Now it’s all but gone. Life now is only a succession of days of hardship, struggle and grieve. So I take a look at those pictures I have of you and I see you smiling that sweet smile at me, and I suddenly feel warm inside. Suddenly, things aren’t that hard anymore. Then, at night, I can finally meet you in my dreams. You’re here, and I know I’m gonna be okay.